Saturday, July 28, 2012

Utmost...

I read this in Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest" this morning and had to share... 

 

"After Obedience - What?" — My Utmost For His Highest for 07/28/2012 

And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side... ."   — Mark 6:45-52  

 

We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end. 


What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process - that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God. 

God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end. 

God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.  

- Oswald Chambers

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Drought...

You’ve probably noticed it’s a little dry around here – hardly any rain for the past two months, and when it sprinkles, it’s almost like the sky is teasing us. The ground nearly screams for moisture – but the clouds stare back in defiance.



I haven’t written in a while because… well, because I believed this lie that I could only write if it was about something I’d already been through or that God had already completed in my life. I felt like I could only write AFTER the rains had come and the drought was over. I felt like I had to already have “overcome” and be in a place of “wisdom” where somehow I could say, “Back then I learned such and such – but I’m all okay now, and everything’s alright”. It’s easier to share things and be vulnerable when the experience is over and you’re looking back, thinking, “That wasn’t so bad – I’ve got it all together now”.
Well, that’s a boldfaced lie – and a trick from the Enemy to keep us in bondage. If we feel like we can only be vulnerable when we’re all put together, then we’ll never truly share what God is doing in our lives – and that doesn’t accomplish anything, or bring God any glory.
Somehow, I have this perspective that God is only accomplishing something in my life when I feel like I’m overcoming, and when I feel “satisfied” with my “spiritual life”. If life hurts – well, then… God must not be there. Or he’s busy. I’ll just take care of it myself.
I’ll just take care of it myself.
In the words of a dear friend, Mark Whittier – “Them’s fightin’ words!”. It is off of this philosophy that I have lived my life this past year. I went to college with anticipation, dreams, expectations, desires, plans. I knew every day that God was accomplishing incredible things in my life – he astounded me with his faithfulness all year round – and provided me with ministries, friendships and opportunities I never could have planned myself. So, life was good. I was on a “spiritual high”. I was “comfortable”. I’d had my fill of “awesome God experiences” and lived off of my “highs”, dragging them out to last as long as possible. This meant that I didn’t feel the need to stay current with God – so, as ashamed as I am to say it – I didn’t really soak in the Word at all. I just lived from Sunday (church) to Wednesday (Bible Study) to every other Thursday (Praise Nights at school). I filled myself up every other day or so – vicariously living off of group “God experiences” – but lost the intimacy of a one-on-one relationship with the Almighty.
Then, things started to fall apart. I just bottled it up inside, shoved it under the rug, hid it behind the curtain. I went into denial mode – “I’m okay, I’ve got this covered”. I ran on my adrenaline of an exciting first couple of months. I ran on my charisma and extroversion – my “Energizer” bunny to get me through. I foolishly believed that my personality could carry me through – and I could just act as if everything was okay. Because: There are all these other people that need me! So many people to listen to and encourage! I’m here for ministry! I want to be a missionary at school! I just gave and gave and gave – and it comes to a point when you no longer are giving Jesus’ love away to others, you love other people only because you need something from them. You need to be filled. Because you’re empty.
I ran out of me. There was no “Johanna” left to encourage, love, help, and give joy. I had never dealt with any of my emotions – I just denied them. And then, when I came home, it took so much energy to keep all my thoughts and feelings from overtaking me that I no longer had energy to even… smile. I realized one day as I walked into work, someone waved at me and said Good Morning, and I didn’t even make the effort to reply. I crawled inside my shell and despised spending time with other people, because it took too much energy to be around people and make them feel special. I’d rather be alone, wallowing in my own self-pity and depression.
A couple of weeks ago, I’d had enough – and so did my family, I’m sure – and fell apart. How come I’m not ME? Where has my identity gone?
During one of my conversations with my parents, they read to me Psalm 23…
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with  me; your rod and staff they comfort me…”
All this time, the Lord has been calling me to green pastures. He has been guiding me – not to avoid the valley – but to walk through it and FEAR NOT. To walk through it and call on his name, and the protection of his rod and staff. He desires to be our protector and fight for our hearts. For years, I have held on to the verse commanding us to “Guard our heart” and translated it as “Build walls around your heart”. I’ve been trying to protect MYSELF – through my power, strength, personality, wit, charisma, extroversion, smarts, kindness, whatever.
But I am not enough.
How now do we live? Do we walk through deserts with confidence that we can ward off the predators ourselves? Or do we trust and wait for the Lord’s rod and staff to comfort us?
In droughts, do we count on our own strength to withstand weariness? Or do we soak in the ever-present rains of his grace?
I’m still in this process – I don’t have this figured out. I don’t have this all together. I was tempted to go back through this post and edit everything to make sure it sounded perfect – but no – God chided me to leave it the way it is. God is glorified through us admitting our ugliness and admitting our weakness. He DELIGHTS when we finally come to the point where we MUST say…
I am not enough.
We have no love, no ministry, no kindness, no smiles, no hugs to give away if we first do not RECEIVE the love being offered. We must soak in the truth. God is revealing to me lie after lie that I have believed for so long and have taken root in me. They have changed who I am – and this is the time – NOW – that God is calling me to remember who I really am. To remind myself daily of TRUTH. To accept the invitation to have a personal, intimate relationship with God.
Because I am not enough.

 ______________
SPRINGS OF LIFE - by Ginny Owens
May this song encourage you as it has encouraged me…